I’m Not Giving Up, I’m Letting Go

During this difficult time of being estranged from my younger half-siblings, sleep has not been an easy feat. Week after week, I’ve tossed and turned in bed with constant thoughts of solutions to rectify the situation but when put into action, nothing succeeds. I’ve never felt such anxiety; the heavy feeling of nausea and worry, lack of appetite, the lethargy. I’ve tried many ways to convince myself that issues of abandonment won’t be in their future, but thoughts of my mother’s pain keep surfacing and forcing me back to square one.

I saw an episode of Piers Morgan featuring an interview with Paris Hilton and her mother, Kathy. Much insight into what becomes of a child with a mother like that came from watching the interview promoting the new reality show on Oxygen, “The World According to Paris” and actually gave me hope. Mother and daughter sat poised and ready to defend against expected questions regarding Paris’ past humiliations, but Piers took on a lighter approach, keeping Kathy relatively calm and open to the questions he had for her daughter. During the interview, the mother-daughter duo continuously showed traits very similar to that of my sister and her mother, and I realized that, at its worst, the emotional damage won’t destroy their chance at a happy life. No one has a perfect childhood and even those who had something close to it have issues.

Being ten and fifteen years their senior, I suppose I feel a maternal instinct when it comes to my siblings (especially my terribly sweet sister), making it painful to accept that there’s nothing I can do but believe they’ll be okay and move along. As hard as that is to swallow, it’s necessary for me to distance myself appropriately so that I can have a chance, too.

It’s important for me to take care of my health and focus on relocating my center so I can be available to the ones whom with mutual and unconditional love is shared. I’m aiming for happiness.

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