take a bow, take a curtsy?

so often i find myself thinking i’m stronger than i am, or at least wishing i can persuade myself of that fact long enough for the situation to take control of itself. then, it’s out of my hands, therefore i can be okay with having gotten hurt. because if it’s not my fault, i avoid the pain of self-blame. accountability projected onto the idea of fate and inevitability. it’s the best and easiest way, even when things are as hard as they can be.

the more we think, the less we accept

when we think we know what we want, we are just tricking ourselves into falling for the ordinary

instead of letting something strange and different than what we expected sweep us off our feet, we allow nonsense to fill our head and perhaps ruin any good chance of being content with what we currently have.

and yes, at first, we believe that being content is only the effect of settling, but what if we eliminated that word from our vocabulary? if ’settling’ did not exist, then what would be doing? simply just being. contentment comes in many forms and can be used in context with almost anything, and always implies happiness, except when it comes to love. when it is used as description of a feeling towards relationships, we are automatically assumed to be unhappy and bailing on the search for the real thing. why is it that we choose to redefine this word just when it may be at this time only ringing true it’s meaning?

i wish i believed my own words, for if i did, contentment would be mine and i would be happy with that, but alas i cannot persuade even my own self of what it should mean. though maybe only in today’s society is it an implication of disappointment, it still holds that air of defeat and loss of purpose in life. it might just be a word, but even without titling it, the feeling is still there and that in itself is enough of a definition to keep us searching.

for how long will we ford the river of broken hearts? does one ever really find that special someone or is the idea simply an amorous version of the dead sea scrolls. even those who state they’ve found their soulmate and could never be happier, is it out of the question that they might have just learned to love as opposed to what we dream of? falling.

do we fall? for me, it’s never been anything slow or even slightly definable by a verb. i am in it or i am not. it’s instant. but perhaps that’s the madly part. 

funny they should choose madly to precede “in love”. it really is a form of insanity. you lose all self-respect and dignity and need for independence. or at least the ability to hold on to those things and be who you were before. you may want to keep your side of the bed and he his, but is it really in your control when you’ve lost your mind in your heart?

are we fueled by love or do we fuel the idea of love. do we make it to be something more than what it is? why do we let something so intangible be so powerful and hold its place as a “center” for all of us. it’s time we move on from the idea of something else moving us. 

love is love. a thought imbedded into our future; as our future. does it amplify or dissolve? or does it simply keep us at a level of contentment.

and is that enough?

Holidays, Holidaze, Holifading away

I’m in a state of ‘ugh’ right now

I used to love everybody, then I turned 16 and hated everyone who wasn’t as cool as me

Since then, I’ve grown up and out of that stage and learned to like something in everyone again, but I’m starting to think I might have been on to something back then

Seriously, people are too caught up with what others think of them. I know, I know, shocker realization right? But honestly, who are these people that smoke with people who smoke and somehow don’t crave a grit around others who don’t?  I see right through these people, why doesn’t the rest of the world? Or are those people the same way, I don’t know, but I’m so done with them.

I can’t help but want to steer clear of situations where these people congregate, but then I would be steering clear of life. They are everywhere. Parties, family get-togethers, your own home. It makes me sad to know that someone cannot grasp the idea of actually talking. And I don’t mean ‘uh-huh-ing’ someone else’s thought, I mean delving deep into that conversation and urging the other to ellaborate on their opinion.

Maybe this is a sub-matter of being who you are, but nonetheless, not any less annoying of a problem. If you’re shy, you’re shy, but if you’re able to utter a “yes” then you sure as hell can utter a “no”.

I guess I’m just tired of exhausting people putting me to sleep with their dreams of being accepted. Don’t be someone with me that you’re not with others; makes me not want to know any version of yourself.

with all the costco samples i’ve tasted, you’d think i’d have found a good lunch by now

i seem to make the same mistakes over and over and think that i learn from them, but obviously i don’t.

and i do believe that is the people’s definition of stupidity, is it not? hmph.

when it comes to matters of the heart, i have always lost all ability to sync up my choices with the brain..

i leap into decisions that, for lack of a better phrase, completely screw me over, but i’m tired of always being held solely accountable.

it takes two to tango, my friend, so why am i the only one on the dance floor getting heat?

or even just that silly awkward distance from my partner after messing up, even though he took the lead?

this always happens. i’m aggressive at first so the blame’s placed on me, even if at the end i became more passive.

no matter how it goes down, i’m always left looking bad and i’m starting to really despise that.

i mean, seriously, aren’t we all old enough to not kiss and tell? or at least not kiss and tell.. and judge!

i like boys. that doesn’t mean that when i say i legitimately really like one, that i don’t.

actually, i completely understand why boys who’ve known me are hesitant to ride shotgun, since i do have a few hit and runs on my kissing record… but i guess i just feel like i should be given a chance and not just disregarded as a free bird who doesn’t truly have feelings for anybody.

yes, i may like to make out, and it just so happens that i hang around some pretty good looking boys, but just because i let my libido get the best of me, does not mean i’m incapable of finding love!

…or does it? ’cause honestly, i’ve been wondering what the fuck’s up. maybe i’m too attracted to the opposite sex for my own good?

now ain’t that a pissah.

virgin territory

Well, here I am, starting fresh in yet another blog

I think this one will stick though, it’s got to… I’ve tried all the other ones.

Normally, I leave the first entry as an intro and nothing more, but at 4am and with a fever keeping me up, I think I shall utilize this right away (though my thoughts might sound a bit delirious, due to the aforementioned state I’m in)!

As I’m lying here unable to sleep and breathe through both nostrils (what a word, huh?), I can’t help but think about where my life is and where I am in my life.

I’ve got so many aspirations and lately, the opportunity, which is so hard to come by, but not the means to make it all happen. 

I’m struggling financially and it’s really holding me back. My car is almost completely out of commission which is really hard on me because you can’t take side streets all the way to LA, and I don’t drive on the freeway due to a broken axle (axel?… which is the ice skating term?), and I can barely pay rent never mind afford to fix my car or get a new one.

Then I think, it’s a two hour drive, without traffic of course, but maybe that’s what I need to endure in order to make my dreams come true. I mean, hell, Whoopi Goldberg was homeless before she made it, that’s definitely more of a shit deal than mine…

Alas, the financials come in again, and my lack of ability to pay for all the gas that would be needed for a trek that far and long wins this round.

I guess I’m feeling really hopeless and it’s making me lazy. I think subconsciously I know that even if I go to an audition and get the part, I won’t be able to make it to rehearsals, so there isn’t much of a point in even trying.

In fact, as of right now, my car is sitting at 7-11 because it wouldn’t start. All I wanted was some milk, and now my car might get towed. A retrieval of which I can’t scrounge up the money for.

If only I had chosen to go to college and live out a career I would resent for the rest of my life… maybe then my dad would suddenly find some extra cash to help me out. Like the kind he found in order to buy my ten year old sister a brand new MacBook or RockBand for my five year old brother.

And what about this trip to Paris I keep hearing about, how is he going to afford that when his business is in such crisis?

He so often claims to support me in what I want, but his lack of monetary effort proves that he finds my dreams to be less important and unattainable than the two DS’s and iPhones he’s recently bought.

I can’t help but be cheesy and quote Andy in Pretty in Pink when she says, “I can’t believe in anyone that doesn’t believe in me”.

Well, right now, it feels like I can’t believe in anyone. Someone give me hope.